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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 31 Jul 2017, 10:56 pm
Two guys went to a petrol station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their petrol and went to pay the male attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 06 Sep 2017, 10:46 am
If you're on the motorway and the person driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing.

She will be changing lanes...

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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 08 Sep 2017, 2:02 pm

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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 03 Nov 2017, 10:18 pm
Men Jokes - Making a change from blonde jokes!



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   



A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......

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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 25 Dec 2017, 11:14 am
in festive spirit...


Following the United States decision to recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, the Palestinian authorities have entered into the spirit of things and decided to arbitrarily shift the capital of The United States to England.
In a move which will surprise many, the Palestinians announced yesterday that the capital of The United States will from now on, be the Lincolnshire steel town of Scunthorpe. Eagle eyed readers – but not necessarily all Americans – will have noticed that Scunthorpe isn’t even in the United States.


https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/12/14/palestinians-recognise-scunthorpe-capital-us-answering-question-put-trump-scunthorpe

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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 05 Jan 2018, 4:34 pm
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.

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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 17 Jan 2018, 9:34 am
An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'
The little boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag...'

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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 17 Jan 2018, 9:00 pm
Not exactly a joke, but you've gotta smile to how things were back just a generation ago!

iPod, 1981, New York.


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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 28 Jan 2018, 11:34 am
My wife's really obsessed with her new tropical juice diet. 
It's enough to make a mango crazy...

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Re: Jokes Page

on Thu 01 Mar 2018, 7:59 am
Last night there was a talent show at our local club.
One of the entrants was a gorgeous blonde female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists.
What was even more surprising was that she performed topless.
She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once...

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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 16 Mar 2018, 2:17 pm
My wife's just told me she's leaving me because of my outrageous poker addiction...

I think she's bluffing

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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 22 Apr 2018, 5:37 pm
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is ...sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but ....for an outside line you need to press 9."

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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 08 Jul 2018, 2:24 pm
I've just been on a round-the-world holiday. Next year I'm going somewhere different!

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Re: Jokes Page

on Thu 13 Sep 2018, 11:41 am
IRISH JOKES DAY!
 
Paddy gets mugged by 4 blokes, but he puts up a great fight, in the end they hold him down & go through his pockets, all he has is 40p.The muggers say "You put up a hellish good fight for just 40p....why bother?"Paddy said "I thought you was after the £500 in my sock."
-----
An Irishman drove his car into a river because the local policeman told him to dip his headlights ...

----- 

An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service.
----
At a level-crossing in Ireland only one of the gates was open. A motorist asked the level-crossing keeper the reason. "Well, you see sir, we are half-expecting a train" ... 

-----

A Ryan Air pilot, when asked for for his height and position replied " "I'm 5ft 8in and sitting in the front seat" ...

----- 

An Irishman rang up London Airport and asked how long the flight to Dublin took.
"Just a minute, sir" said the operator.
"Thank you" said the Irishman and rang off ... 

-----

An Irishman was stopped by a foreign tourist and asked what the yellow line along the side of the street indicated.
"Oh, that means no parking at all"
Thank you" said the tourist. "But, in that case, what do two yellow lines mean then?"
"Ah" said the Irishman, "that means no parking at all, at all" ...

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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 14 Sep 2018, 9:52 am
I hired a Landscape Gardener the other day...he said he couldnt do anything mine is portrait.

My grief counsellor died suddenly yesterday....he was that good im ok.

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