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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 06 Nov 2015, 4:03 pm
INTERESTING OBSERVATION 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 

And.... 

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives is GOLF. 

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: 

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your b*lls become.



There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!
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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 06 Nov 2015, 4:03 pm
@daib0 wrote:99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name...
80% of children are good at Maths, the other 25 are not ...
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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 20 Nov 2015, 12:55 pm
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, slowly running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest. 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" 

His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in absolutely good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad .... dad ... I think the Milkman wants to buy Mummy."
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Re: Jokes Page

on Thu 03 Dec 2015, 1:37 pm
I see the man suing Ryan air over his missing luggage has lost his case...
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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 07 Dec 2015, 1:59 pm
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 11 Dec 2015, 12:32 pm
"ON THE DOOR"


A man knocked on my door and asked for donation towards the local swimming pool. 
So I gave him a glass of water...


--------------------------------------------------------------- 

There was a man at the door last night asking my views on the country. I replied:
"I am a white male, heterosexual Christian, I have worked all my life to pay for this house and provide for my family, never claimed a penny in benefits." 
"Oh, I am really sorry to have wasted your time sir" he said. 
"Oh, why's that?" I asked. 
"Your opinions won't count" he replied.


---------------------------------------------------------- 

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but a peeping tom knocked on my door last night and asked me to close the curtains!


---------------------------------------------------------- 

A Jehovas witness has just knocked on my door. 
I said "come in, what would you like to talk about"?... 
He said " **** knows, i've never got this far before"!! 


------------------------------------------------------------ 

I got home, entered the front door, and found the wife crying, I said, "What's the matter, dear?" - I always call her 'dear', on account on her expensive tastes.
She said, "I'm homesick!"
I said, "What do you mean, homesick? But this is your home!"
She said, "I know! I'm sick of it!"

------------------------------------------------------------ 

As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right."
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied. "You're a lazy bastard and it's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching TV," she said. "Now just be a man, for once, and put the rubbish out."

------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Guy is hosting a fancy dress party, he opens his door to a man on all fours with a woman on his back. Other than their positions they're dressed normally. 
"Hi," says the man, "what have you come as?"
"A tortoise" says the man on all fours.
"And what about her, wh's she?" asks the host.
"Oh, that's Michelle".

---------------------------------------------------------------- 

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". 
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality"

-------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A blonde decides to go into business as a painter and decorator.
She knocks on the door of a house, explains that she's just gone into business, and asks the owner if he needs anything painting. 
"Well" said the owner "I always support enterprising young people like yourself, so how much would you charge to paint my porch?". 
"As you're my first customer, I' do it for £50"
"Excellent says the man, you'll find al the paint in the garage"
An hour later the blonde knocks on the door again and informs the owner that she has finished.
The man was surprised at how quick she had done it, but paid her the £50.
As she was leaving she said "Oh, by the way, Its a Ferrari not a Porsche"

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A young girl says to her mum: "Mum, does god exist?"
- "Well, yes, sort of ..."
"And does he live with us in our house?"
- "No, not exactly with us"
"So ... why does dad knock the bathroom door almost every morning and say -'God, are you still in there' " ... 

---------------------------------------------------------------------- 

An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service...

--------------------------------------------------------------------- 

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground, yep, they entered the main doors, and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The London police are now looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet !
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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 23 Dec 2015, 12:23 pm
My wife and I had a huge argument last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her that I have just won the Nigerian lottery...
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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 23 Dec 2015, 11:16 pm
@daib0 wrote:My wife and I had a huge argument last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her that I have just won the Nigerian lottery...
Bad news for Daibo, I'll have to share, my friend WON AS WELL  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy
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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 25 Dec 2015, 10:17 am
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Re: Jokes Page

on Thu 07 Jan 2016, 1:23 pm
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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 12 Feb 2016, 8:58 am
This blonde wanted to sell her pet Python so, she listed it on eBay. 

A bloke rang up and asked if it was big.

She said, "It's really massive."

He said, “Ah, how many feet then?" 

She said  - "Are you thick or what? It's a bl**dy Snake"!!..
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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 30 May 2016, 12:53 pm
An elderly Bosnian man who lived on the outskirts of sarajevo went to his local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional box, the man said:

"Father, during the Balkan war in the 90s , an incredibly beautiful young Slav woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Serbian militia. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

The man continued: "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was quite a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that ?" asked the priest.......


"Should I tell her the war is over ?"
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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 05 Jun 2016, 3:24 pm
I'd vote "stay in", but even so, I think this was very funny!!


A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures;​ ​in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS.”

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. “Hi there little girl, I’m​ ​the leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, what do you have in the basket?” he asked.

“Kittens,” little Suzy said. “How old are they?” asked Mr Cameron. Suzy replied, “They're so young, their eyes aren't​ ​even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?” 
“They're REMAIN IN THE EU supporters,”
answered Suzy with a​ ​sweet smile.

Mr Cameron was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.  Recognizing the​ ​perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when Cameron’s motorcade pulled up,​ ​this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News​.​

​Cameras and the audio equipment​ ​were quickly set up, then Cameron got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. “Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love​ ​it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away.”

“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They're BREXIT supporters.”
Taken by surprise, David Cameron stammered, “But yesterday, you told​ ​me they were REMAIN IN​ ​THE EU SUPPORTERS.”

Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open...”



 Very Happy
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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 13 Jun 2016, 9:29 am
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammer’s Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.


Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born,

without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache
and your eyeswater." 

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
 
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
 
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".
 

“That's no better either, Hamish.
 
Now, how about you, Paddy?”
 
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5, clenched both fists at his sides and

eventually blurted out:. . . . . “London ".
 
“Absolutely Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
 
After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:
 

...

...
 

..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".


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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 29 Jun 2016, 9:18 pm
Men can’t win…..

Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue...... 

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. 
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.  You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. 

He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
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Re: Jokes Page

on Wed 27 Jul 2016, 10:15 am












 
Wow, that one is really impressive! Hard to work out how he's actually doing that - 
He's crouching down, so the top half of the trousers actually come up from the top of his knees. Looks ace though.
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Re: Jokes Page

on Tue 02 Aug 2016, 10:27 am
Forgot to tell the wife I'd swapped our bed for a trampoline.
When she found out, she went through the roof!

---------------------------------------------------------------  


A mature teacher asked her pretty student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"
The student replied, "It is obviously past ... "
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Re: Jokes Page

on Fri 05 Aug 2016, 10:25 pm
Banks reassure customers that no savings will be passed on to them
05-08-16


THE UK’s borrowers and mortgage-holders have been reassured that yesterday’s interest rate cut will not affect their monthly repayments. Lenders have pledged to compensate for the Bank of England’s potentially destabilising 0.25 per cent cut by keeping their own borrowing rates unchanged and steady.

A spokesman for the British Bankers’ Association said: “British borrowers panicking about how this move will impact household budgets can relax. Everything is staying exactly the same. We will not irresponsibly alarm debtors with wild changes to their repayments which leave them confused and burdened with surplus cash. Whether you are a householder, a business or weighed down with a large amount of personal debt, rest assured that we will protect you against the financial shock of falling interest rates. Quite simply, it’s what we’re here for.”

Homeowner Joanna Kramer said: “If I’d had that extra £22 a month I’d only have spent it, raising retailer confidence and making the coming crash that much worse. It’s best the banks keep any extra in their hands. I know we can trust them."
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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 28 Aug 2016, 12:56 pm
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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 29 Aug 2016, 11:25 am
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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 29 Aug 2016, 11:32 am
What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?



Answer below








Wait for it










Wait for it


















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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 29 Aug 2016, 5:28 pm
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Re: Jokes Page

on Mon 10 Oct 2016, 9:30 pm
My Doctor just gave me a prescription for daily sex....

however my wife insists it's for ... dyslexia !!



-----------------------

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today....

by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!


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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 16 Oct 2016, 5:35 pm
Samsung Galaxy 8, now with removable batteries
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Re: Jokes Page

on Sun 16 Oct 2016, 5:35 pm
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. 

She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the frickin' chessboard up your a**.”. 
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Re: Jokes Page

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